Sep 6th, 2011 2:47:00am
I wrote a poem of that title, a long time ago. I wrote it is a reminder to myself during a time long ago where my heart was weakened by events that rendered it bruised and sore. I felt the best way to get through the pain would be to bury myself in whatever work I could find. Schoolwork. Homework. Housework. Writing, running, anything to keep me occupied and keep me from dwelling on the slow, hesitant way my heart beat. Gingerly, as if to avoid any more pressure than it needed and so avoiding any more hurt.
It was a sad time, and I don’t think I ever did take my own advice. Instead I ploughed on the best I could, always aware of my pain, but pushing it aside until I didn’t feel it anymore, except when a memory would send me reeling back to that place. My heart did heal, yet it did so with me being aware of every slow step towards recovery when that was not initially my intention. I wanted to so bury myself in things to do that by the time I looked up from my work, I’d find my heart alright again.
I all but forgot about that poem.
However, I find myself thinking about it a lot today, and wanting to finally put the words into action. Except this time – thankfully – for different reasons entirely.
This time, I do not want to work as a way of escape. I want the work to be invested towards my escape. My freedom. That involves working on myself, I admit fully. I may be a hopeless dreamer now, but I’m finally sick of being so. I don’t want to continue hopelessly dreaming yet never taking any action towards those dreams. I don’t want this blog to be merely a storage for my thoughts and fantasies, a place to return to and smile bitterly at all I’ve never had the courage to do, to show the world.
There is so much in me. So much more than a hopeless dreamer. I am a rebel. I am a fighter. I am no longer a survivor. I refuse to call myself as such, because from now on, I am going to live.
This is going to involve doing things I’m not going to like at first, but are necessary all the same. It’s going to involve fighting my own inhibitions, fears, and shackles I myself have placed on my mind, even more than than it will fighting the restrictions set by people around me. It’s going to involve work.
And so I shall bury myself in it. I will take the plunge and I won’t come up for oxygen because the air around me is stale until I purify it. Only me. This is my battle, and I shall live up to everything I’ve posted, everything I’ve thought that I haven’t shared here. I shall live my dreams and show this world all that I am. No more masks. No more pretenses. No more hiding behind my own words, this hopeless dreamer has turned into a hopeful warrior, fighting for her own life and not giving in till she has it.
The world is changing all around us. It is up to us to decide whether we want to let it change to whatever the hell it wants to and have us adapt, or whether we are going to get up, push back and mold it to what we want it to be. Feel the sweat escaping through your pores through work that is good, work that is pure, work that will lead to your salvation. You make your world a better place and the rest of it will follow suit. You want to change the world for good? Start with your own and watch the chain reaction blow your mind and everyone else too scared to see the truth until you shove it in their faces and force them to. Until it can not be denied even by those most determined to be blind.
Work for what you want. Fight for it and don’t let anyone get in your way. Be kind, but don’t be taken advantage of. Be brave, but don’t be reckless. Find that balance and you’ll be able to do more than walk the tightrope of life: You’ll be doing flips on it and loving every second. Make life a thrill, the best kind, the thrill of happiness. Light a match in the dark and keep going till you find the kindle to set the tunnel aflame. Don’t give up hope.
I am diving into the work I need to do and I will relish every drop of sweat and blood that will be invested into it. I will smile, even when it gets hard, gets excruciating and inside I just want to give in and cry, because I’ll know that it will pass. That it’s worth this effort, this pain. I will overcome, knowing that every second is working towards a purpose: freedom to live.
So yes, right now, and for however long it takes to reach my goals?
Work is worship.