Nov 19th, 2009 10:49:00pm
I can not tell you how many times I have heard those words uttered to me these past few months. And every time, I ask how I have been altered. And every time, they do not have an answer, except for the fact that I am different than I was before.
A few days ago, I was on the phone with one of my best friends. I heard them again. Just two words. “You’ve changed.”
I wonder how many others have faced a similar situation. You’re changing, but you’re also the only one who doesn’t notice it happening. It’s sneaky, like a lioness hiding in the tall grass, getting ever closer, until it pounces. Everyone else sees it but you, until it’s too late.
Why is it so, however? How does it happen that your inner self; your personality; everything that makes you yourself, is slowly being turned into something else, and you don’t even know it?
People tell you. They say you’re different. They’re not sure in what way, and neither are you, but it’s true. At some point in your life something clicked out of – or into – place, and you just aren’t the same anymore. You can’t be sure what triggered it.. What exactly happened. Or when.
Frustrating? Definitely. Tiring? Completely. It does depend, though, on whether you’re changing for the better or the worse. If it’s for the better, then that’s great. It’s a wonderful feeling, waking up in the morning one day, and realising you’re a better person. Someone who’s happier. Someone who smiles more, laughs more, is kinder, is more generous. It truly is.
If it’s for the worse, then your only hope is to change back before it’s too late. Before those subtle alterations become a part of you, things becoming a million times harder. Before you stop caring how you turn out. Because that’s when it all goes to hell.
Unfortunately, there is a middle ground as well. One that is the most exhausting of all, once people point it out: just.. changing. Not for the better, nor the worse. You’re stuck because you have no idea what’s happening to you. No idea whether you should stop it or not. After all, it could be bad at first, then improve with time, could it not? Or perhaps it’s the other way around? You’re losing touch with yourself, completely confused as to whether the new you will be a better version of yourself.
Not sure if you’ll even recognise yourself anymore the next time you look in the mirror.
So, voice cracking, tears running down my cheeks for the first time in the longest time, I admitted something I had not yet told anyone: “I’m scared.”