I Am Lost Tonight.

May 4th, 2012 3:48:00am

This is my light. This blog is where I post of hope, of strength, of one-day freedom and the lessons learned in between it all. This is where I write my way to the truth within me.
Yet tonight’s truth is that I am weary. Emotionally, as well as physically. And that’s okay, too. Because I am not giving in to despair, else this is not where I would retreat to. It’s okay to be tired, to be lost, as long as you still have hope that it won’t last.

It never lasts.

My heart is strong, despite the pieces it has been broken into. Despite the dust of powdered blood and muscle it has been crushed into. It knows how to repair itself enough to continue to function, to hope, to love, to beat for me and those around me.
Ask me my favourite part of me and I will not point to my eyes or my lips, my hands or my hips, my legs or stomach or thighs, instead opening the caverns of my chest and holding out my heart for you to see. I will proudly point out the scars and show you what I have survived. I will let you hold it so you can feel the force with which it still beats, hopeful and determined as ever.

Yet there are some nights… like tonight… where it slows. Where the damage that can’t be seen begins to act up and weakens me, just for a little while. An arthritis of the soul. There is so much I hold inside me that it is all an unrecognisable lump now. I can’t tell one source of ache from the other, like a ball made from chewed-up gum or different coloured play-dough. There are times where I will want to cry for apparently no reason at all, no trigger, no cause.

There are things inside me that are still broken and on nights like this, it shows.
Yet by morning I will wake and the shadows will have retreated. I will breathe as free and deep as I possibly can again. My heart will return to its resilient beat, feeding me dreams and hopes and plans for a future that is entirely my own, untainted and unaffected by anyone else.

So yes, I am lost tonight.

But it won’t last.

It never lasts.

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