Jul 8th, 2012 9:19:50pm
Since I was deemed “officially a lady” and “too old to be mucking about outside” a few years ago, I’ve been limited in what I can and can not do, and how often I can do them. I went from being outdoors everyday jumping around, playing sports and even just making grocery runs to being cooped up at home day in, day out. The only times I am allowed outside were when I went to school, the rare (and constantly becoming rarer) occasions I am allowed to go out with friends, or family outings that generally consist of a whole lot of bickering and not a lot of family time.
Over the years, new rules have continued popping up and it’s like the older I get, the tighter the leash around my neck. This has made me angry, frustrated, and depressed. It has made me feel like a caged animal, with so much pent up energy and nowhere to release it. Attempts to argue have been shot down, further attempts discouraged by threats of banning me from the internet and television which is where I am apparently learning this “insolent”, “rude” and “disrespectful” behaviour. So I obeyed. Have been obeying.
Today, I went out just for me, just to the park. Yet the entire walk I felt self-conscious, exposed, unsafe. Many times I just wanted to turn around and go back home. Every one seemed to be looking at me. Even through the windows of the buildings around. I was too out in the open and it made me insecure.
That’s when it hit me, really hit me, the damage I and my unwitting parents had done. I have been inside so long that even something as simple as walking to the park is out of my comfort zone and makes me squirm inside all the way there. I feel slightly safer when someone’s with me. I can hide. But alone and I feel too vulnerable. This is bad, and it needs to change fast.
Bit by bit, I need to get back to who I was. When I was younger I genuinely did not care. I cherished every opportunity to go outside and be wild and let out energy that seems to build as soon as it’s released. This was not meant for me, this constantly-indoors thing. It’s been wasting away my soul. I am the sporty, outdoorsy tomboy who needs physical activity. Every accidental scrape or bruise is a thing of pride, not irritation. It’s a mark that I was out there doing something and I got away with nothing but a couple of scratches.
I love movement. I need movement. If I don’t get it, the resentment builds, and the energy builds, and it leads to this: an insecure, scared little girl.
It is not going to be easy. My family will oppose me nearly every step of the way. Just today, when I came home my mom questioned me about where I went, why, and why I did not ask her permission. She had been asleep. I had told my sister where I was going. It was the PARK. Yet even this needs to be under her and my father’s control and I am sick of it. I can not do it anymore.
I plan to move away and live independently. I plan to travel and see the world. Yet how can I do that when just being outside in my own neighbourhood, in the country I’ve lived in since I was six, scares me? It has to change. I will change it.
No more fear and blind obedience. No more over-thinking everything. Just action. I will do, not think about doing yet fear it yet talk myself out of it then hate myself and regret it all.