Life is Good

Sept 24 2012

I am currently sitting at one of the computers in the library of my university. That feels strange to say. My “university”. It would not be exaggeration if I said there have been times when I thought I’d never make it this far, both in terms of my life expectancy and the actual affordability of such an education.

Yet here I am. Still alive. At one of the most prestigious universities in this country, and one of the top 500 in the world. I did not do this alone. I did not make it here alone. To say that I did would be self-centered, not to mention ridiculous. But I refuse to sell myself short anymore and say that I didn’t have something to do with it.

I am here because I want to be. Because I pushed, and pulled, and broke, and put myself back together, examined, looked before jumping, jumped before looking, and sometimes even flew for a glorious while. I am here because in this moment, it is where I am meant to be.

There is no need for me to back-read past posts to know how many times I have written about renewed strength, renewed hope and determination and desire to make my life my own. To start my life over on my terms. There is no need for me to play memories through my mind of how I failed, each of those times. Those bursts of energy were necessary; they gave me the boost I needed at the time in order to hold on, to keep going and working for something better. Yet they were merely shooting stars, flying brilliant and dazzling across the sky before crashing and dying out.

Over the past couple of months or so, there has been a shift inside me. I’ve tried to write about it numerous times, without ever being able to find the words. It started slow. Things that would normally have bothered me, didn’t as much, or rolled off my shoulders entirely. I found myself slightly more patient, more understanding, towards my family, my friends, and most surprising of all, myself. I was not happy… but I was okay. Not sad, not resentful, bitter, hurt… Just okay.

At first, I thought that that which I had both feared and wished for most had finally come to be: I’d lost all emotion, so nothing could faze me. The foreign feeling made it so where even that possibility was merely accepted and shrugged off. Then I realised it was more than that. I still felt; I was merely less excitable, more capable, more careful with how I allowed myself to feel.

For all my life, controlling myself used to be denying urges and emotions from ever being seen or heard. Silencing myself, hiding, making myself small, invisible, out of the way, not a burden…

Somehow, controlling myself has now become what I choose to let myself be affected by. An ability every one longs for, is told to have, and so few achieve.

Negative emotions still come through me, but the moment I choose to, I can let it go so easily it makes me wonder how I found it so hard before. I allow myself the validity of my emotion, then I breathe deep and just let it go. And when I need to articulate, I do, confidently and without giving a damn how it’ll be received by the other party.

Whatever comes my way, I am ready to face. I see my life now really isn’t so bad, and I’ve come to accept the (albeit restricting) downsides with the up. I feel less pressure to escape escape get out escape get away and more willing to do things at my own pace, in my own time, while making the best of and tweaking the life I have now. My desire for more than this still lives within me, but it is fueled with both passion and practicality. I am not burdening and taking myself to task for things that are not in my control yet, or perhaps never will be. I am not stressing myself out with responsibilities that are not my own.

In short, these past couple of months I have been transforming from within, without actively pursuing this transformation. I feel older, wiser, yet not in the jaded sense. Merely in the sense that I have come through a phase in my life, understood its lesson, and am finally ready for the next. I am so much more confident, so much more self-accepting, and so, so grateful for it all.

I am not happy yet. That’s okay. I am content. And for now, that is good enough.

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