I’ve talked about and/or vaguely alluded to my job a lot, and how much turmoil it’s been giving me. Then I resigned, and now it’s just an attempt to survive what remains of my notice period. In the meantime, I’ve actually started doing some freelance work on the side, and it’s shown me just how much my job has – to put it bluntly – fucked me up.
I second-guess pretty much everything. I never know if I’m doing a good job or not, or if I’m simply not working fast enough, well enough, consistently enough. I worry that they think I’m lazy or uncommitted. I worry they think I’m stupid. I’m scared of making a single move without running it by them, and constantly have to resist the impulse to do so because I know that’ll just make me look like an unsure ninny. I am an unsure ninny.
It’s such a head trip, when you’ve been working for people who treat every mistake like the end of the goddamn world, to learn how to just trust yourself again. I’m trying to turn off that voice in my head that’s constantly second-guessing, or at least ignoring it long enough to get the job done. “If I screw something up, they can give me the feedback and I won’t do it again,” has been the best “screw it” type assurance I can give myself.
I don’t know how long it’ll take before I can finally feel safe again. Honestly, given my own constant battles with self-worth, I don’t know that I ever will 100%, but it was never as bad as it’s gotten lately, and if I can at least get it to a more manageable level, I’ll be okay.
Just gotta trust that I can do a good job. Or at least a fair job, consistently. And if I fail at something, I’ll just learn from it. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not. (Baby steps.)